Mama on Rushdie

My mama called me at 5:54 this morning. She always calls at a bullshit hour.
"I live half way around ze globe." Her usual excuse.
"So the fuck do I," I remind her.
"But zis is ze only time to reach you. Always on ze internet or ze phone. Your line is always beeezy."
"I'm doing it intentionally. I want to be a recluse."
"Recluses don't have interent service or even telephones."
"Great idea. I'm going to disconnect my phone service this afternoon."
"No, don't! I won't reach you."
"Exactly."
"What have you been doing?"
"Not much, work, the novel."
"..." She wanted to say: "Get a fucking job. Go to ze gym."
"The usual."
"..." Poor mama, dying to say:"I mean, zere is a gym in your apartment complex. Why you let yourself go so much? You cannot be so fat."
"What about you mama? What are you doing?"
"I am reading 'The Bonesetter's Daughter."
"Oh, why the hell are you reading that? Amy Tan sucks. Oh, come on."
"I would be reading Voman of Vonder, but you won't let me read."
"I would, if you promised to skip pages, um, 2-78, 79-156, 157-254, 255-381."
"What can I read?"
"The dedication page."
"You dedicate to me?"
"And Baba. And I'm thinking of putting in "Edward Said, in Memoriam."
"Wha?" (makes spitting sound.) "Don't you dare. Baba hates that bastard."
"He's dead."
"So is your grandma. In memoriam to her poor soul."
"It's because I want Salman Rushdie to like it. He was friends with Edward Said."
"Salman Khara. He is a non-believer."
"I'd be a non-believer too, if people were constantly out to kill me."
"But was he killed? No. More of a reason to believe in God."
"..."
"..."
"What's your hair like now?"
"I got haircut! I look so much thinner."
"Wonderful."
"I must go."
"So soon?"
"I have to go do excercise."
"Hmm."
"Kisses."
"Kisses."
"Kisses to Angelo."
"Yes, he's been doing great."
"Bye."