4/11/04

int. single family home. badly-lit. sound of eggs crackling in the background. sound of cartoons in the foreground.

ANG
Mom, what's easter about?

MOM
It's not about anything. It's a Christian thing, so we won't be concerned with it.

ANG

I'm part Christian.

MOM

You can't be part Christian. Just like you can't be part pregnant. You're either Christian or you're not. And you're not.

ANG

So what am I?

MOM
Human.

ANG
And what's being a Christian about?

MOM

Believing that Jesus was God's only son. Which we don't believe.

ANG

I believe it. Jesus was sweet...

MOM

Oh, you knew Jesus? You guys used to hang , back in the day, on the monkey bars...

ANG

...I saw a video about him, that he was a good guy...

MOM
...and swing on the swings with him? Just 'cause the video said he was sweet, doesn't mean he was God's only son. What have I taught you?

ANG
(looks down and drones out)
That we're all God's kids, because we are God, all of us, from people humans to insects and plants.

MOM
That's correct. And the person who made this video you saw, did they know Jesus? Like, personally, did they hang out with him? I mean, he died 2000 years ago.

ANG
That's true. So easter's about what?

MOM
Rising from the dead or something gross like that. And picking up guns on easter egg hunts, apparently.

ANG
Guns kill.

MOM
That's right.

Ext. Eckerd parking lot.

ANG
Wht do we have to go to stupid Eckerd?

MOM
'Cause HEB is closed. Because you know why.

ANG
Hairy Butt is closed because of Easter.

MOM
Yup. We can do an egg hunt if you wanna. Do you wanna?

ANG
Yup. With eggs, not guns, though, and maybe with Yu-Gi-Oh cards inside the actual eggs, like you should buy me new cards and put them in the eggs.

MOM
Shut up.

Int. Eckerd. Crazy shoppers load their baskets with baskets and egg cremes.

MOM
I've always hated egg cremes.

ANG
I hate you.

MOM
The feeling is mutual.

(MOM reaches for a box of tampons).

ANG
Why do girls buy those again?

(EXTREMELY HOT YOUNG MAN walks by.)

MOM
Tell you later...

ANG
Is it because your vulva bleeds? And you get your period?

(EXTREMELY HOT YOUNG MAN grins, reaches out to trojans on the wall, picks out a box.)

MOM
Yes, sweetie. That's why.

int. cashier register.

CASHIER
That'll be $6.50.

MOM
You guys seriously overcharge for these.

CASHIER
...

MOM
Can I get $4 in quarters?

CASHIER
No.

MOM
I'd like four dollars back, please.

CASHIER
Ma'am, it's Easter Sunday, and it's not my fault HEB is closed. I can't give people cash back.

MOM
I need to do my laundry.

CASHIER
I'm sorry ma'am. It's Easter Sunday.

MOM
Really? I had no idea it was easter sunday!

CASHIER
Well, there's advertisements everywhere, and eggs and baskets, I don't understand.

MOM
I don't either.
(Presses cash back button on debit machine.)

CASHIER
Did you just press cash back?

MOM
Yes. I'd like the money. Also, I was being sarcastic about not knowing about Easter Sunday.

(EXTEREMLY HOT YOUNG MAN approaches the register; he's next in line.)

CASHIER
I wasn't being sarcastic about not giving you money.

MOM
Give me the money.

ANG
Will you give her the money?

EXTEREMELY HOT YOUNG MAN
What's the problem?

ANG
My mom is bleeding from her privates and needs to do laundry.

MOM
Um...I pressed the button. Please give me the five dollars.

CASHIER
Here. Happy easter.

ANG
We don't believe in Jesus. He never hung out with the people who make the videos. My mom hates Egg cremes.

(entire row of people who are in line turn to MOM and ANG and gasp.)

MOM
Run, Ang. Run.

THE END