5/26/04

Int. RANDA's apartment. MICHALLE and RANDA are watching a marathon: Sopranos, Aqua Teen, Chapelle's Show, Daily Show.
Commercial for TROY comes on. RANDA throws hissy fit.

RANDA: You know, Brad Pitt is so gross. I hate that it's being shoved down my throat to think he's hot.
MICHALLE: Yeah, he's pretty gross.
RANDA: I refuse to go to see that fucking Troy movie.
MICHALLE: yeah?
RANDA: I'll never go see it. Fuckin' never.
MICHALLE: It looks dumb.
RANDA: So fucking dumb. With fucking Brad Pitt in it. I'll never see that movie.
MICHALLE: What if they gave you a thousand dollars to see it?
RANDA: Of course then I'd see it.
MICHALLE: What if they gave you 20?
RANDA: Are you on crack? No. For a thousand I'd see it.
MICHALLE: What about a hundred?
(beat)
RANDA: OK, for a hundred, too, but not fucking less than a hundred.
MICHALLE: What about $99?
RANDA: Um, No.
MICHALLE: $99 and a popcorn and a coke?
RANDA: Fine, for $99 and popcorn and coke, I'd see it.
MICHALLE: What about $80?
RANDA: fuck no!
MICHALLE: Even if they gave you a popcorn and coke?
(beat)
RANDA: Fine, I would.
MICHALLE: What about $20 and a popcorn and a coke?
RANDA: Goddamn it!
MICHALLE: Well?
(beat)
RANDA: Wait, $20 and a large popcorn and coke? Yeah, I'd see it, then, too!
MICHALLE: Dude, what if they just gave you a popcorn and coke? You'd go see it wouldn't you?
RANDA: (laughter)
MICHALLE: Would you? Would you see it if it was free and they gave you a large popcorn and a coke?
RANDA: Fuckin' A, I guess I would.

5/20/04

Today is my first boyfriend's birthday. His name was Ezz El-Arab. I think about him thrice a week, on average. He was the greatest love of my life. We started going out when I was 11.

I was in Senior One, which is the British school equivalent of eighth grade. I was in the X class, (X for exceptional, not MDMA, unfortunately), the nerd class. He approached me in the giant sandlot that was our student center, and said, "Will you go steady with me?" I had never spoken to him before. So naturally, I said yes.

Going steady meant ignoring him at all times and hanging up on him when he called for fear my dad would catch me and kick my ass. It also meant that he wrote me sweet letters about how he was mad that I never spoke to him. I wasn't attracted to him at first, but everyone I knew was. They were pissed off that we were together, because I didn't appreciate his beauty. And never spoke to him.

Eventually, we spoke. Our families both had memberships at SAS, a hotel that allowed residents to use its pool and facilities. I'd sneak off from my family and we'd sit on chaise-longues, and he'd make fun of my leg hair. Eventually, I couldn't do without these chaise-longue tauntings. I suggested we kiss. So we hid behind a giant wooden gate near some beach bungalows and did. Once, a haaris caught us and we ran like mad. Once, my baba almost caught us, and he slapped my cheeks hard. I didn't care, because I liked feeling Ezz's tongue against mine.

On valentine's day, he sent 14 roses to my homeroom. Girls threatened to beat me up. I was a nerd in the nerd class walking around with my hairy legs, moustache, bushy hair, and an armful of roses.

The summer of '90, we talked our ears off on the phone, and saw each other at SAS as often as we could. I gave him a book I'd stolen from my parents' "secret" drawer about a talking penis. He blushed.

Then, after the Iraqi invasion, we lost touch. I was so sad to begin with that it was just an additional loss. We moved to Egypt. I enrolled at a new school. The few weeks before classes began, I wandered the streets of Alexandria on my rental bike. That's when I bumped into him.

We spent the year absconding to stairwells in abandoned buildings and writing each other letters, and my father spent the year receiving a lot of hang up calls and being informed that because he was Palestinian, we could never return to Kuwait.

The summer before I moved to America, Ezz and I engaged in some serious stealth. We fooled around on the beach almost every day. We'd hide behind some rocks or in a beach cabin. When I found out I was moving we cried like crazy and briefly considered a double suicide. Instead, we ate fried chicken and fooled around some more. He asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said I was too shy to admit it. That afternoon, he called me and urgently asked me again, and insisted I answer. I'd never revealed it to anyone because I thought they'd relentlessly tease me about it, but I said, "a writer." It was the first time I'd said it out loud.

I would meet him on my bike at the top of my street so my parents and/or the bawab wouldn't see us. We discovered that the mosque at the top of my street was called Ezz El Arab mosque, and that the building across from it was called Villa Randa. We reveled in our discovery, the triumph of being two buildings forever facing one another in a city we both loved.

When I arrived in the US, I cried for two weeks straight, because I missed him, and I missed Alexandria, and he stood for Alexandria. We called each other and ran up obscene phone bills. When my dad found out, he forbade me to ever speak to Ezz again. I ran away to NYC with my dad's stolen credit card and held myself hostage until Baba agreed to let us exchange letters. We did, and our shared history, coupled with Ezz's physical absence and our revelations to each other made him my best friend. Just before I turned 16, we called each other and laughed about how we'd been "going out" for 5 years. We hadn't seen each other in 3 of those years. We said "fuck" a lot on the phone, and my insane father was taping the conversation. He replayed it to me later that night while kicking my ass and telling me I was a slut. He called Ezz's parents and they all conspired against our deep friendship. We were not to call or write to each other ever again.

I went out that week and lost my virginity to the first guy I saw.

In 2000, I tracked down Ezz's address and we exchanged a few emails. But it wasn't the same. He was someone different. I was someone different. Life had moved on and left our geeky love story like litter by a run down apartment building.

Happy Birthday, Ezz. Wherever you are. Canada, last time I heard.